*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
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*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Breaking news:
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.