Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
What the dentist sees
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!