Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
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Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
#gardening
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
My new favorite headline
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.