[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
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No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God