Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of Carbosly's best tweets

@Carbosly : No thanks, Downward dog.
I'm already busy with Downward spiral.

@Carbosly: My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

@Carbosly: Don't wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

@Carbosly: Had I been Jesus, being invited to "The Last Supper" would've raised a few red flags.

@Carbosly: "They grow up so fast."

- Me, looking at my problems.

@Carbosly: Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

@Carbosly: Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

@Carbosly: The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I'm not even in the relationship and I've broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

@Carbosly: Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*


@Carbosly: So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.