@Carbosly

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

@Carbosly

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

@Carbosly

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

@Carbosly

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

@Carbosly

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

@Carbosly

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

@Carbosly

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

@Carbosly

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

@Carbosly

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?