I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.