Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.