Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
This hospital has everything
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone