One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
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FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*