Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
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ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Saw online –
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔