If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
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Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
The options really are this bad
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”