Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
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Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?