ME: I thought only old people got that
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My brain is a bad influence on me