Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of CatsVsHumanity's best tweets

@CatsVsHumanity : Started saying "see ya next year" to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

@CatsVsHumanity: Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it's okay to hide when you're scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone's gonna find it

@CatsVsHumanity: An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

@CatsVsHumanity: I'm getting old. I wake up now and my body is like...

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I've got some news...

@CatsVsHumanity: Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn't considered a work expense, but ok

@CatsVsHumanity: At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

@CatsVsHumanity: Signs you're a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you're keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don't give af what's "cool" anymore

@CatsVsHumanity: Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?