I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
We’re all getting idioter.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful