REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
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My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring