I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.
Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.
Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..
When we draw birds we basically just draw flying mustaches.
Every woman is wrong until she starts crying… Then she’s right.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.
Me: I’m happy right now. Life: lol, one sec bro
“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.