– Day 1 of gluten free diet:
I feel like a new person and I love my life.
– Day 2:
I have eaten the neighbors bird and joined ISIS.
Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.
Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great!
Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.
“Alexa am I drunk?”
My biggest regret is probably that time I let a guy dressed up as a hotdog give me a haircut.
Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible!
Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.
I saw an alligator yesterday. At first I wasn’t sure and thought it could have been a crocodile. That is until I saw it later. Then I knew.
If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.
How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after you’ve told your wife that you’re gay?
A seahorse walks into a bar and dies immediately.