My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
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My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*