Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
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[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.