I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
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7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Whoa 😂
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.