“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
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Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?