I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.