“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”