My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”