Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”