Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.