Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
You Might Also Like
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”