When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …