Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
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cry laughing at this shit
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
next level snooze
Before & after 😅
Oops
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.