(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
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You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”