I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me: