There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.