Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
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I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
This is my pinned tweet
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers