Yes my dude
You Might Also Like
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.