[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
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Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.