My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
My wife got upset when I asked her to take out the lavender scented trash bag, proving that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house