At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids