It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
This is true.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.