Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
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me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Absolutely no one:
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Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
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my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
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My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
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Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
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Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
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Me: Back off! I know karate.
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Me: Well, he called my bluff.
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I need a treadmill with a reward system.
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