How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
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My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’