@ChicksRule

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

@ChicksRule

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

@ChicksRule

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

@ChicksRule

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

@ChicksRule

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

@ChicksRule

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

@ChicksRule

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

@ChicksRule

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

@ChicksRule

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

@ChicksRule

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held