Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Me: I love to be held