Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.