studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
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“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
*gets down on one knee*
me when the borders lift
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Who says great literature is dead?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.