Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.