why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
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BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.