WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
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Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
when u come home smelling like another dog
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium