ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
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I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
And then there were 4