I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
You Might Also Like
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
some Old Testament wisdom
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Why are bridges so flammable.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.