Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
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My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
how to have fun when you’re poor
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all