If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
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me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body