Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
*sewing*
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